dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize