i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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