Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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