haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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