its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Alive.
So much puke
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize