After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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