I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
