Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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