what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
