Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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