I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
