I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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