did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I didn't notice because vodka
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
