I want to stick my p in your. b.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
