dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
