Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
