just tell him i said nine months
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
