Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
