just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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