he shaved USA in his pubs
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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