that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
