Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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