Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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