I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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