Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
