That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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