New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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