I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
pray to the hookup gods
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
