She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
