We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
