She said her name was "party"
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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