You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
