I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
