i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
