do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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