just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
