i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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