It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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