I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
