My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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