made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
