I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
