6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
