I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
