peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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