i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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