Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I can't turn off my feet"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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