If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
