she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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