I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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