I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
