There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
