I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
