Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
