I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize