apparently the secret to your success is patron
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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