You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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