Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
